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The Definitive Gift Guide


Story Time


When I was a wee gal of 26, a “friend” at the time presented me with a stack of gifts, and I was delighted. Sure, they were in cardboard boxes wrapped in cardboard paper, and I silently criticized him for the poor wrapping job. But one mustn’t judge a book by it’s cover (wrong) , and I was happy to oblige.

I opened the first box excitedly and was presented with a stack of collapsable hangers. Not the felt ones, dear readers: these were thick, plastic, collapsable atrocities. I turned hot.

“For your closet!” he smiled radiantly. “Because it could use some organization!” I managed against great odds to force my lips into a smirk. “What a useful gift. I’ll be sure to use them,” I ventured kindly, already reaching for the next box.

This one he handed to me even more proudly. I struggled a bit with the ribbon, likely because it was twine that had resided in his kitchen since 1892 or thereabouts.

And there it was, a Chia Pet. A Barack Obama Chia Pet.

“Because you’re liberal!” he bellowed, laughing his heart out. I blacked out thereafter to protect my sanity, but the damage was done.


On the Importance of Gift Guides

The point of this is that there is indeed a purpose to gift guides, both from the publisher’s perspective (usually involving affiliate links) and from the reader’s (good advice that will beget even better gifting). But there are so many misguided ones floating around at the moment that I felt a pressing and unnecessary need to tell you what women actually want. Or more specifically, what this champagne liberal wants.

Hint: It’s not a chia pet. Herewith, the Christmas 10.

1. Equipment Odette Washed Silk Pajamas – for the Lady who likes to Netflix and Chill without the sexual innuendo.


2. Manolo Blahnik Hangisi Satin Pumps– Because there is nothing more decadent than that thing in your closet that matches exactly nothing else in your closet.


3. Suzanne Kalan 18 Karat white gold Diamond Cuff – because the heart wants what it wants.


4. Four nights at Giraffe Manor in Nairobi – Because by the fifth night, having giraffes steal your dinner might go from wondrous to irritating. (Years on bucket list: 4)


5. A male secretary to run all of my errands for me – So i can boss around at least one man in my life, guilt free.


“Get back to work Timmy, this is no time for television”

6. A tapeworm– so I can get really skinny and have to buy all new clothes.



For my husband

7. A Golden Puppy – Because he wants someone who will jump up and down when he comes home (I KID, he’s just a dog person):


8. An apartment with Sizable Study : So he can slave away even when he’s at home “relaxing” (otherwise known as a man cave for good naps)


For my nieces and nephews

9. Hansa Toys Extra Large Plush Toys – because these are seriously rad and a complete waste of money, like any good aunt’s gift should be.


10. A Private Jet so our little minions could come visit us in New York whenever they damn well please, and in style. This one also doubles as a potential study for my husband which is a bonus!


Any additions?


  • reply

    the study is beautiful, but seems to be lacking the key element: an espresso machine and a desk.

    December 9, 2016

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